SOCIAL MEDIA IN MX

Words Scott Bishop

All right, you technology-addicted, Facebook-posting, Instagram-living, Twitter-typing pack of wasted youths, we need to get some rules in place. If — and you will, because that’s what kids do these days — play, write, post, follow, cyber stalk or creep on any of the above social media, these are the new guidelines you must follow.

These are the motocross special rules for social media, to be used for motocross riders only. Enduro guys are still trying to get on top of SMS while adventure guys don’t have time to look at a phone — they’re too busy following maps from the last century (haven’t they heard of Navman?). And, if you read my last column, swimmers can just get nicked.

RULE 1

If you are on Instagram, I don’t want to see any pictures of food. Who cares what you ate or drank? It’s just damn food and everyone eats it at some time, so there’s no point broadcasting it to the world. If I wanna see pictures of food, I’ll stand in line at Sizzler for three hours; at least the photography is in focus there.

RULE 2

Throwback Thursday isn’t what you did last Thursday. It isn’t what you did last month, or even last year for that matter. My rule is, if it isn’t two years old then there is no throwback; it’s called modern history and even the high-school students among us would say that modern history can be up to 200 years old. But, as I’m a reasonable guy and understand Instagram wasn’t around when Captain Cook crashed into Australia, I’ll let that slide.

RULE 2A

Throwback Thursday is just one day. Flashback Friday, Take Two Tuesday and Way Back Wednesday are just cheap imposters. It’s Throwback Thursday in the country where you live or it’s nothing. If I see someone break the rule here, there is going to be hell to pay.

RULE 3

Twitter has only 140 characters, so people who try and write a novel on Twitter are just self-indulgent freaks. You clog up my Twitter feed with your emotional whims when far more important stuff like pictures of food or a line from a tragic 80s song might be trying to come through. Save Twitter for world-changing 140-character statements and not some five-page tweet on grade-10 poetry you’ve been writing.

RULE 4

A line from a song is not a status on Facebook. It’s stealing someone else’s thoughts. In fact, most modern music is written by pill-popping, ego-fuelled wannabes so their insight into the world is hardly worth reprinting. Keep your status important to society: eg, “Washed an air filter today” and not “Who let the dogs out?” because no one knows who let the dogs out; they just got out, OK?

RULE 5

No relationship breakdowns on any social media. Haven’t you people heard of a fax? Fax your ex to come get their clothes out of your yard in front of your house after you break up; don’t tweet or Facebook that. The fax is the best way to let your ex-partner down. No public hissy fit, no smashing of any of your stuff, no abuse down the phone. A simple fax works every time and, even better, like the Beta video, no bastard has one so your whiney little complaints fall on deaf ears anyway.

RULE 6

No human plays Facebook games. If you forward a request to play any game on Facebook, you need to be showered in roost from the back of a KXF450 going up Rock N Roll Hill at Manjimup. Do I make myself clear? No games — not now, not ever.

RULE 7

Who are the people that put shoes on other people’s Facebook? I don’t want shoes on my Facebook. As I always say, “Shoes are for the shoe shop.” So don’t put shoes on Facebook or the same fate awaits you as the person who sends out game requests. In fact, I reckon you people might be the same …

RULE 8

Why is it when you post a photo 37 Mohammads, 15 Abduls and a handful of Juans “like” it? I’m not sure if I like it, yet these people who don’t even know me seem to like a lot of things I do. And what are they doing on Facebook? The TV tells us that no one in Asia can afford a computer or iPhone so how can they be liking things on Facebook? Don’t they have rice fields to plough?

RULE 9

Nude selfies from a 15-year-old boy aren’t cool. In fact, selfies regardless of clothing from any male aren’t cool. Selfies and especially nude ones should only be from females and those over a legal age, up to and including those of us from an older generation.

RULE 10

Just sayin’! The internet is full of people who seem to think you can blurt out anything as long as it’s followed with “just sayin’”. The fact is, if you type “You’re an asshole”, “just sayin’” doesn’t water it down — you still think that person is an asshole. Now, if you’re going to insult someone, do it proudly and please spell arsehole right.

Now, I hope I’ve made myself 100 per cent clear on the above. These are the MX rules of social media and those who don’t follow them to the letter will be restricted to racing off road or, much worse, dirt track. Follow or it’s a 1986 CR500 with a down under bike for you, my friend.